you are not a tree


I moved to Arkansas like, four days ago, so I might be jumping the gun here but bear with me. 

I am here to call BS on the whole "if you're feeling unhappy or incomplete or negative, don't bother trying to switch up your situation externally. Your thoughts and your feelings will follow you around wherever you are and if you're miserable here in this space, incomplete or ~not yourself~ in these relationships, unfulfilled in this job or program, you will continue to BE those things wherever you are until you change your mindset" thing. Of course, this isn't all wrong. I just don't think it's all right, either, especially not in my case, and I know plenty of people who have become adjusted to the above thought so let me tell you a thing right quick.

I was treading water for SO LONG and so I had to take accountability and inventory and it SUCKED. In the end, it was up to me to change these things. Uproot, unlearn, freak out, get moving, walk away. And as a former resident people-pleaser I can say with absolute certainty that I pissed more people off in the past year than I have in the other twenty-two. It makes me uncomfortable because I am an ESFP and I was (am still, fix it Jesus) convinced that if I am not liked by everyone, I will wither and my sense of self will be compromised. I put too much stock into what I am to other people and do not focus enough on building upon the (currently a lil bit shattered n' tattered) foundation of my self-concept and MOST IMPORTANTLY, knowing my identity in Christ. I need my happiness but I also need that JOY. I just moved to a place where I have a few acquaintances*, but no close friends or family. I am jumping back in to school after two years off from pretty much any kind of mental stimulation (quick shoutout to all the hours I spent after work loafing with my pal Netflix). With that, it's a switcheroo from a mid-size private urban university in Chicago to a big ol' state school in the SEC. I'M the one with an accent. My hair is still learning how to adjust to this humidity. This is weird and scary and I'm scared to be weird. But being here, moving, using my feet... MY CHOICE, and right now, I'm incredibly happy with it.  

Old Main. And trees bein' trees.

Old Main. And trees bein' trees.

My thoughts and my feelings have followed me here, yes. But here, where peoples' voices are almost as sweet as the faint smell of honeysuckle and lilacs in the air, I'm a ma'am, some utility poles and cell towers are disguised as actual trees and it's thecutestdangthingihaveeverseen, and I can go to Waffle House whenever I want, I feel as if I am allowing my thoughts and feelings to have some more breathing room. That cannot be bought or faked. If this is a ~fresh start~, there's honestly no place I'd rather be. The Natural State. Stay woke.

This weekend I have a date with myself to walk. Walk far. Just bought some Chacos. Arkansan assimilation at its finest and I'm not sorry about it. I'm going to hike and sweat (have I mentioned the humidity?) and then I'm going to sit for a bit, maybe hammock (#fayettechill), and think about how far I've come. I owe it to myself to keep moving forward. It is not the time for roots, it is not the time for treading water, this time I have been given is not time I have to waste.

* all of these people rock, by the way. I like everyone I know who's called Northwest Arkansas home. and that surprises me none. this place is so great. come visit. BYE