and that's the way i like it

I don't always like myself but I always appreciate when I'm being myself.

Humans are messy. Along with hearts and souls, humor and personality, we're comprised of failures, missteps, baggage, and, if you're blessed like me, a few hella annoying qualities. Despite all of this, at the end of the day, it's easier to be unashamed if you're being true to yourself, your values, your purpose. 

For someone who is very into 'staying true', I acknowledge that as a turbulent over-sharer, over-feeler, happy-crier, outside-voice-user, relationship-ender, job-quitter, quarter-life-crisis-haver, staying true is something I have to get up and CONSCIOUSLY THINK ABOUT AND DO, every day. Lately. Hopefully not forever. Maybe forever. But perhaps that would be cool. At least I'm getting some practice in. I just want to show up and be real. I don't mind if you see my messy side(s).

"Out of the woods, out of the dark, I'm well aware of the shadows in my heart."

Good for you, Sleeping at Last. Because same.

I'm twenty-four, eating banana chips in bed at ten p.m. on a Saturday three weeks before I move out of state, listening to Where the Light Is for probably the eight hundredth time. After I showered this morning, I put on some different pajama pants and caught up with Ree Drummond and Joanna & Chip for literally seven hours, while half-packing and reorganizing stuff here and there. Currently going back and forth in my own head à la Cameron Frye about whether or not I am going to Be A Big Girl because Life Is Not Bad Hashtag Joy Soaked ~OR~ cry for however long as I want because Feeling Your Feelings Is Good. I sleep diagonally in my bed every night with six pillows and I am on day four of some real legitimate caffeine and sugar withdrawals, nearly requiring meditation and deep breathing techniques to keep my feet from stepping in the direction of the nearest Starbucks or Dunkin'. I am probably more self-conscious than I was at fifteen and care too much about what people I do not regularly encounter think of me. I write things like 'drink water' and 'wash face' on my to-do list so If I'm having a particularly pathetic day, I can have the satisfaction of crossing off the littlest things.

I'm not out here searching for perfection, I'm out here looking for two things: grace, and continued self-awareness so that I am able to be gentle with others' hearts, as well as my own. 

I have no idea what else will happen in this space, because it has not yet been written (literally/figuratively)... but I want to make it clear: my story needs me, so i'm showing up for it. 'Here Am I', as myself. Out of the dark.